Billy Dee Williams once said in the movie Mahogany that “success is nothing without somebody you love to share it with.” What he was trying to tell Diana Ross in that movie was that it’s great to be successful but there’s no point in it if there’s nobody to have with you to support you. And he’s right.
Success is difficult for me; I find it a strange beast. I don’t ever see myself as successful. I’ve always felt like I just go through the motions, I never let myself enjoy success because I’m always waiting for it to go wrong. You’re probably thinking I’m a pessimist but a lot of the things I take pride in, that make me feel successful, tend to go wrong. As a writer, it’s probably natural to think that I seek success in having a TV show or winning awards. And you’re probably right. My dream is to be able to create and for people to enjoy the things I create. But I don’t link achieving my dreams with being successful because for me to finally feel success, it’ll take more than just achieving my dreams.
My ideals for success are to be able to work in something I love. That could easily happen for me, it’s a far out dream but it could happen. My other ideal is to have somebody next to me to experience all that. To have somebody next to me to support it. It may seem ludicrous, maybe even selfish to want “it all” but I do want it all. I don’t want to just succeed as a writer, as a friend, as a son but I want to succeed as a lover, a partner and maybe one day a husband. Right now, I’m not interested in having kids but I do want a family for myself. I want a man next to me who I can love, adore and cherish. I want to be able to take out my frustrations, my joys, my fears and my passion on. Because it’s great getting a new flat, being shortlisted for awards, getting a good job but, for me, it’s not enough. Because, although I have my friends, I have nobody to share all that with. There’s nobody for me to wake up next to in the morning, to tell how excited I am for my day, to stand at the window with me and look out at the beautiful view. A view I worked hard for.
I’m not going to say I’m lonely. I’m not. There are people I could call who would be here in the drop of a hat for me. I can jump on a train or a tram and be with people. But I’m certainly missing a piece of a puzzle. A piece that I’ve had a few times in my life; a relationship. I love being in relationships. I love being able to make somebody happy. It may surprise you but I’m not bossy when it comes to relationships. I’m giving, I’m attentive, I’m romantic and I’m loving. Sometimes, though, I’m not enough. The men I’ve loved in my life have often been deeply flawed. They’ve struggled with their hearts and their minds. It’s no secret that I tend to go for guys who I feel need love the most. That, in some way, need fixing. I may not be well known for it but I’m compassionate. I hate to see others in pain and sometimes I see that in people and it makes me want to help them. To love and protect them but sometimes it isn’t enough. And then my heart gets broken and I try to heal. Sure, I obsess over the past sometimes but who doesn’t? But eventually my heart heals and I focus on the good times. The times we were happy together and I wonder why I was never able to make my relationships a success because the only common denominator in all my relationships is, well, me.
Success is nothing without somebody you love to share it with. But neither is life. I’m sure that one day I’ll be able to get over my own inhibitions, my fears, my worries and enter into another relationship. I’m sure I’ll find somebody who I’m enough for. Despite the content of this blog, I’m not sad, I’m not upset. If anything I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful that eventually I’ll get to a place where my dreams come true and aren’t taken away from me. Where I can trust that my life is stable and I can celebrate that. But now, I guess, I wait. I enjoy every day I have with the life I’m building for myself. And one day, there’ll be a man who I will call my husband. Who will love me how I deserve to be loved. And we will grow old together. And, only then, will I finally be able to say… I have success.