Joemosexual... and other stuff

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Spring

Just tell me when
My time’s begun
And the leaves don’t fall anymore
Let me know
When the birds start to sing
And the sun shines bright in Spring
I’ve had my fill
Of golden brown
I’ve seen rain and snow across town
But now I need
The sun to shine
Because when the flowers bloom
I know I’ll be fine

A new dawn
Will descend
And these cold and lonely nights will end
The springtime bugs will come to pass
And the flowers will break through the grass
Oh lovely sun
Why don’t you thaw
All the ice that’s covering my soul
Won’t you be
My nature’s prince
And be the sun that wakes me from sleep

Autumn leaves
Will fall no more
The winter snowflakes melt down the road
And the grass in green
The sky’s turned blue
And I awake and I’m looking at you
When I look up high
At the winter sky
And as the rain washes tears from my eyes
I close them tight
And dream one thing
That you’ll be the one
That takes me to Spring.

My name is JOE

My name is JOE

Rolling on my bed is so much fun!!

Rolling on my bed is so much fun!!

Success Is Gay

Billy Dee Williams once said in the movie Mahogany that “success is nothing without somebody you love to share it with.” What he was trying to tell Diana Ross in that movie was that it’s great to be successful but there’s no point in it if there’s nobody to have with you to support you. And he’s right.

Success is difficult for me; I find it a strange beast. I don’t ever see myself as successful. I’ve always felt like I just go through the motions, I never let myself enjoy success because I’m always waiting for it to go wrong. You’re probably thinking I’m a pessimist but a lot of the things I take pride in, that make me feel successful, tend to go wrong. As a writer, it’s probably natural to think that I seek success in having a TV show or winning awards. And you’re probably right. My dream is to be able to create and for people to enjoy the things I create. But I don’t link achieving my dreams with being successful because for me to finally feel success, it’ll take more than just achieving my dreams.

My ideals for success are to be able to work in something I love. That could easily happen for me, it’s a far out dream but it could happen. My other ideal is to have somebody next to me to experience all that. To have somebody next to me to support it. It may seem ludicrous, maybe even selfish to want “it all” but I do want it all. I don’t want to just succeed as a writer, as a friend, as a son but I want to succeed as a lover, a partner and maybe one day a husband. Right now, I’m not interested in having kids but I do want a family for myself. I want a man next to me who I can love, adore and cherish. I want to be able to take out my frustrations, my joys, my fears and my passion on. Because it’s great getting a new flat, being shortlisted for awards, getting a good job but, for me, it’s not enough. Because, although I have my friends, I have nobody to share all that with. There’s nobody for me to wake up next to in the morning, to tell how excited I am for my day, to stand at the window with me and look out at the beautiful view. A view I worked hard for.

I’m not going to say I’m lonely. I’m not. There are people I could call who would be here in the drop of a hat for me. I can jump on a train or a tram and be with people. But I’m certainly missing a piece of a puzzle. A piece that I’ve had a few times in my life; a relationship. I love being in relationships. I love being able to make somebody happy. It may surprise you but I’m not bossy when it comes to relationships. I’m giving, I’m attentive, I’m romantic and I’m loving. Sometimes, though, I’m not enough. The men I’ve loved in my life have often been deeply flawed. They’ve struggled with their hearts and their minds. It’s no secret that I tend to go for guys who I feel need love the most. That, in some way, need fixing. I may not be well known for it but I’m compassionate. I hate to see others in pain and sometimes I see that in people and it makes me want to help them. To love and protect them but sometimes it isn’t enough. And then my heart gets broken and I try to heal. Sure, I obsess over the past sometimes but who doesn’t? But eventually my heart heals and I focus on the good times. The times we were happy together and I wonder why I was never able to make my relationships a success because the only common denominator in all my relationships is, well, me.

Success is nothing without somebody you love to share it with. But neither is life. I’m sure that one day I’ll be able to get over my own inhibitions, my fears, my worries and enter into another relationship. I’m sure I’ll find somebody who I’m enough for. Despite the content of this blog, I’m not sad, I’m not upset. If anything I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful that eventually I’ll get to a place where my dreams come true and aren’t taken away from me. Where I can trust that my life is stable and I can celebrate that. But now, I guess, I wait. I enjoy every day I have with the life I’m building for myself. And one day, there’ll be a man who I will call my husband. Who will love me how I deserve to be loved. And we will grow old together. And, only then, will I finally be able to say… I have success.

Again

Your baby blues they talk to me
Like words never could
Your strong, warm hands held on to me
And squeezed until I could finally breathe
Your slow, warm breath as we’d sleep
Is locked deep in my memory
The hairs on my neck still bristle in the breeze
But now that’s history

You left me when you were needed
You walked out, I was defeated
I needed you to be my strength
I needed you to be a friend
I needed your love again
But you let it end

The way you’d talk to me
It all seemed so easy
Your body heat would awaken me
On a cold winter morning
I was happy as can be
But the day was slowly dawning
By sunset you were to leave
And my heart was broken

I guess we tried to make it work
But what was it worth?
I guess we tried to make amends
But now we can’t even be friends
We tried our luck and it ran out
All we did was scream and shout
But I’m happy again now
And I want you back

I miss your baby blues
I miss your hands
I miss the way you eat your food
I miss your funny moods
I miss the way you would smile
Your lips would go on for miles
I miss the way we would kiss
I hate that you’re not enjoying all of this
Now I guess we’re different men
But I wish we could do it all again.

Apr 4

To The Moon

I’ve been hurt
And I’ve been down
I’ve been lost
And I’ve been found
I’ve had pain
And I’ve had loss
I’ve been unsure if I’m tough enough
And I’ve had dreams
That were shattered
And I’ve been treated
Like I don’t matter
But I have hope
And I have truth
So give me my cape
I’m flying to the moon

The boss man told me I’m no good
He chased me away from the neighbourhood
So I went home and I upped sticks
And sure enough, I persevered
I’ve rebuilt what was shattered
And I’ve found out what really matters
So watch me go and watch me climb
Watch me make the whole world mine
I’m drinking it in and I won’t let go
I’m flying high, looking down below

The secret to a happy life
Is always thinking that you’re right
Because only you know what’s best
Stick to your guns and forget the rest
Soon enough you will see
And you’ll be flying to the moon with me

I’ve been hurt
And I’ve been down
I’ve been lost
And I’ve been found
But the past is what’s been done
I’m on the moon now
So I guess I’ve won.

Let’s Pretend

Let’s pretend
Let’s pretend this world is a simple place
Where pain just won’t exist
And there’s always a smile upon my face
Oh, let’s pretend
That things come easily to us
That nothing ever fazes us
Oh, let’s pretend
Let’s pretend the skies are free from cloud
Let’s pretend that love can be truly found
Let’s lose our minds in this alternate reality
So let’s pretend
That in the end
This bliss could be more than imaginary

In the real world
There’s wars and suffering all around
No love to be found
In the real world there’s pain beyond belief
There’s daily fears and common grief
But let’s pretend
Let’s build a fort made just from memories
Of when we were kids
Before the world seeped in

Let’s pretend
For just a while more
It brings me joy
In your arms, my love, it can never end
So I’ll just pretend
That we’re not done.

Mar 8

Old Part Of Me

Third time lucky’s just a joke
The Universe’s saying
To pick out silly fools
That are willing to redo their mistakes
Time and time again
I let you back in
But this time it’s different
I’m closing the door
I’ve realised it’s over
We’re just not meant to be
I once planned our whole future
Now you’re just an old part of me
Time to change the tire
My love for you is flat
Baby, we’re over
You need to know that

I tried to make it work
I tried to make it right
But we just made it worse
Sometimes love just isn’t worth the fight
Love shouldn’t be work
It should come naturally
Now I’m closing the door, my love
You’re just, you’re just
An old part of me

I think that third time round
I was looking for something
Trying to fill a void
Where my heart wasn’t whole
But in your head you’re just a kid
Not developed emotionally
Now I’ve got to go
So now you know
You’re an old part of me

The past is the past
It’s time to move on
You were my go to boy
When my life seemed wrong
I knew I was missing something
I thought it might you
But baby it wasn’t that
It just wasn’t that
Now I need you to see
That our flame isn’t burning
You’re just an old part of me.

The Pursuit Of Happiness Is Gay

image

There’s a well-known phrase in America; “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness”. It was written in the Declaration Of Independence as basic rights for all Americans. The truth is, they hit the nail on the head. It’s what we all want in our lives. We’re always on the pursuit of happiness. But what does it really mean, to be happy? And what if we get lost along the way?

The truth is, I’ve been unhappy for a long time. Something in my life isn’t right. My career isn’t going how I hoped and I’m stuck in a place I don’t want to be. But the pursuit of happiness often makes us make bad choices. Snap decisions that we may just later regret. But isn’t that worth it? Is it worth doing something that goes against normal judgement for just a little period of joy? And on this pursuit of happiness, what exactly are we aiming for? Nobody can be happy all the time, so then what are we pursuing? Is it all just a myth?

Perhaps happiness is just the thing we tell ourselves we want because we actually don’t know. Perhaps it’s just this thing people create, this elusive feeling that maybe, just maybe one day we’ll be happy. Now, I’m not an emo. I’ve been happy before. Truly happy. I’ve had loves in my life that make me happy but I’ve never been totally happy. There’s always been something. I’ve heard people say that they’re blissfully happy. I don’t think I’ve felt that. I’m not a Debbie Downer, my life isn’t intrinsically terrible it’s just, right now, there seems to be a hole in my life that needs to be filled (mind out of the gutter, people).

My life hasn’t been terrible. I’ve experienced more in my 22 years than most people have in their lifetimes. I’ve experienced different cultures, I’ve experienced great food and great sex (sometimes at the same time), I’ve experienced great success, I’ve been whisked off my feet and had great enduring romances. Yet here I am at 22 and I feel burnt out. Like somebody has suddenly put the emergency brake on my life and I can’t get moving again. I feel trapped, stuck and I can’t see the road ahead. I know I’ve got my whole life ahead of me but I’m looking out into darkness. Happiness seems distant. I’ve lived a great life but I’ve had to battle for all that I have. Battling disability, anxiety, fear, heartache, grief, anger, sorrow… like most, really. I guess right now I’m throwing a pity party for one. I’m not looking for sympathy or words of comfort. I’m not depressed. It just sometimes helps to write this stuff down and maybe, just maybe, others might relate.

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness”, basic rights afforded to all Americans. They believe that one day we’ll all find happiness because, for them, that’s the American Dream. The thing about dreams is, sometimes you just have to wake up. The Pursuit Of Happiness, an American pursuit indeed. But I’m not American. I’m British. And, well, we go by our own saying; “life’s a piece of shit, when you think of it, everything’s always going wrong…”

Feb 4

Man On The Moon

Unfulfilled, the emptiness builds
How can I be this way?
I used to be somebody else
Someone who I believed
Now I’m just on my knees
Praying I get through the day

I should count myself lucky
I feel secure in my life
Got a regular wage rolling in
And can afford whatever I like
But still I feel like I’m missing a piece
A piece of the puzzle of me
I’m incomplete, bound by defeat
I’m trapped in a life I hate

How do I go on like this?
Knowing how unhappy I feel
Waiting to wake up from this
To the life that feels more real
I feel destined for greater things
Than what I’m doing today

Reach for the stars they once said
But, kid, space is too far away
This rocket is out of fuel, my love
And the man on the moon is dead.